


What We Have Lost

by sunshine1270



Series: Catharsis [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Implied Hux/Kylo Ren, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 04:45:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6597274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshine1270/pseuds/sunshine1270
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The final fight between Rey and Kylo</p>
            </blockquote>





	What We Have Lost

**Author's Note:**

> I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not

He can tell she’s been practicing from the way she swings the saber. He still refuses to call it _hers_ , even after all this time. Her blows are faster, stronger, but this time she does not knock him from his feet. This time he holds his own.

With every clash of light their minds tangle, each fighting for dominance and control. Kylo sees her rage and feels it for his own. He finds her fear and traces it back to its roots, deep into the heart of her where her hopes for her family lie. He grabs at her memories, takes them hungrily. He sees his mother, his father, the deserter, the prisoner, and himself. He sees what he has become, and he shrinks from it.

 _A monster_ , he thinks. He is in agony. _I have become_ —but then she is there, ripping him out of her mind. She pushes so hard she falls into him. He can hear her screaming in and out of his head. She is tasting him. His fear, his rage, his crushing doubt. She is seeing his memories, the blood and the bones and the misery and she _knows_ now. She thinks she _knows_ why he has become what he has but she _doesn’t_ and he shoves it at her, shoves her out of him and now they are fighting again, with their sabers and words and if it comes to it their _teeth._

There are too many flashes of light for him to think, too many blows, and for a moment he forgets his realization. The darkness in him becomes him again and he is Kylo Ren the Realized, Kylo Ren the Destroyer, Kylo Ren the Beast. He swings wildly at her, trying to drown her in blows. She holds her own.

He reaches out with his mind, with all his savage power and _plunges_ into her deep down into her where there is nothing but _feeling_. He finds her rage again and drinks it down. It is hot and painful on his lips and his throat and he is used to it, he calls it sweet. He finds her fear again and twists it, tries to shatter her with it, but she is too resilient. She has lived with fear for too long to be cowed. He ignores her memories this time, thinking only of finding more to break. He can feel her pushing against him but it is to no avail.

He will not be exiled again.

Finally he finds what he has been looking for. He looks deep into the pit of loneliness eating away at her and he smiles. Then, without mercy, he flings himself into it, grabbing the sides of the pit and tearing them apart as he falls down. This too is sweet for him. This too feels like home. He feels her scream again and this time his body smiles as well. He presses harder, falls farther, tears more of her away. She is still pushing at him, but it is weaker and weaker all the time. Suddenly there is the sound of her mind tearing and the screams stop. 

For a moment everything is still and he thinks she has snapped. Their arms are still moving wildly, trading blows back and forth with an ever increasing pace, but in their minds the battle has come to a halt. He thinks that perhaps she is dead, almost sorrowfully. Then, very slowly, he feels her stir. He stays perfectly still as she reaches out to him with what is left of her mind. She is giving him something. It is so small, and so warm. He does not recognize it at first. 

 _Ah_ , he thinks. He can feel his heart breaking under the weight of her gift.  _So this is what I have lost._

He does not realize that he has stopped swinging his saber until she takes a step toward him. He does not care. He has been blinded again by what he has become. He looks into her eyes and sees again the shattered remains of the boy Ben, the hulking nightmare that is Kylo, and he aches for something he cannot name.

He wants to take it back. Everything he has done, every time he has succumbed to Snoke's will, he wants to erase it. He cannot erase it. Soon, he will succumb again. He looks into her eyes, opens his mouth to speak, and closes it again. She raises her saber. He removes himself from her mind. He has seen what she will do. 

His last thought is of Hux, alone on the Finalizer. He wishes that he could say he is sorry. 

There is a flash of blue before him, and it is done. 

 


End file.
